Therapy

I married my third husband April 9, 2006. We had dated exactly 2 years before we married. Our wedding day is when I met the person that he really was.

The next 10 years had its ups and downs. It came in waves like water in the ocean. The high points made me feel like I was on top of the world while the low’s made me feel as if I was drowning. Although we had talked about divorce numerous times we never followed through with it. After breast cancer treatment was completed in 2012; it worsened.

My husband told me every day how crazy I was, how unattractive I was, that I was mean and deceitful. He told me that I had no purpose and was wasting his time, energy and space on earth. He wished a miserable life and even death upon me. He made physical threats although his words hurt me more than any physical pain ever could. His grown children even jumped on the bandwagon and treated me the same way.

Fast forward to 2015. Throughout the years we’d been married,  I tried so hard to validate myself to my husband to show him that I could be the woman he wanted me to be. At his request I sought counseling since I was convinced that I was the sole reason my marriage was failing. I saw my therapist once a week, sometimes twice under certain circumstances.

My therapist had me take several tests and we would talk about random every day things. After just a few short months he requested that my husband come for private sessions as well as joint sessions. My husband was reluctant at first but then he decided to come to keep from “looking like a jerk”.  After only five visits with the therapist, he was furious with what he was told and he never came back. 

At my next appointment, my therapist told me that I was married to a narcissist and that we needed to take a different direction with my therapy. I needed to actually overcome what had been instilled in me over the last 10 years. My therapist assured me that I was a good person… I had just allowed someone to manipulate my emotions, my thoughts and my being. 

It was a long road. The therapist had diagnosed my husband with “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. A disorder with exaggerated levels of self obsession. A strong sense of entitlement. Arrogant behavior. An excessive urge for admiration. A sense of self importance and a lack of empathy. It IS a mental disorder… HE was the one that needed the help and he was told this by the therapist. He refused it. 

I had allowed him to destroy me but I didn’t realize it. I had allowed him to manipulate the person I used to be; to break me down, to make me feel less of a woman, that I had no worth or value to anyone or anything. I believed I was sick and twisted. I felt helpless. I felt insane because that’s how he wanted me to feel. He had me where he wanted me and he knew it. He had that power and control because I had given it to him. The person that I loved the most was the very same person that hurt me the worst.

We separated in November of 2016 and our divorce was finalized January 4, 2018.  I was in therapy for 2 1/2 years. That’s how long it took for me to love myself again.  I am still recovering but I know the signs. I know how to never let that happen again and I won’t. 

I am so thankful that the Lord was riding those waves with me back to safety. Back to sanity. Back to life. If I ever marry again it will not be of my choosing, but who God chooses for me.