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Overcoming Resentment...

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For years, and I mean a lot of years, I carried around with me a lot of resentment. Beginning in my childhood and continuing throughout my adult life. Man, was that some baggage. 

Resentment for my parents putting their needs before their children’s needs. Resentment of an ex-boyfriend for abandoning me during my pregnancy. Resentment of the small town I live in for gossiping with rumors during the loss of my children’s father. Resentment of my sisters sharing their judgemental opinions to friends in hopes of destroying my character to make themselves look and feel better. Resentment of friends not siding with me. Resentment of anyone that did not believe me when I was being physically and emotionally abused. Resentment of a best friend for choosing addiction over friendship. Resentment of  an ex-husband who reminded me every day that I was not good enough. Resentment of stepchildren for believing that if they loved me it was demeaning of a relationship with their own mother. The list goes on and on and on.

But the most burdensome resentment I carried with me was that of my own mother. Resentment of my mother for taking advantage of family situations for her own gain, for not working to help support our family since my dad was disabled, for playing each of us siblings off of the other, for expecting us to keep her secrets but not keeping ours, basically, for just not being the mother that I thought she should be… the mother that I needed that special bond with.  

Although I prayed for being freed of this bondage something would happen and I always went back to it. I was suffering deep inside  because of it but didn’t realize that the people around me were suffering too. 

At one point I even blamed my bad marriage on making it worse when the truth was I was holding my own self captive.

I was sitting in my counselors office one day reflecting on all of this and in his kind words he told me that it was my own fault. It was my fault for allowing myself to carry it with me for all these years. Unforgiveness is what it was. Although I completely understood the fact that each person is only responsible for their actions, for years I had subconsciously been allowing everyone else’s actions to conform me. 

I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not control what other people said or thought, their opinions or their actions. What I could control was how I perceived them and not to take everything personally.

After that visit with my counselor and throughout the following week I received confirmation after confirmation that I needed forgiveness in my own heart in order to be able to break free from the bondage I had created for myself. As many times as I had tried to convince myself in the past that I had done just that, the Lord laid a huge conviction on my heart. Resentment and forgiveness can’t simultaneously dwell in our hearts. Eventually one will be stronger and overcome the other. I had to make the choice… I had to make the change…

I broke down and hit my knees in prayer. I found myself facedown on the floor of my bedroom crying out to God to forgive me for being so selfish. I confessed to him every ounce of resentment that I burdened myself with all those years. This lasted for hours and I cried myself to sleep.

Asking for forgiveness for myself was the first step to finding the freedom that I needed. The next morning I felt like a completely different person. I could literally feel the burden had been lifted from me. For the first time in 50 years I felt true peace within myself. Forgiveness is our choice to make in the face of resisting resentment. In our flesh, it’s not easily given, but in the Spirit we can freely forgive just as we have been forgiven. Forgiving others is our spiritual response to the temptation of resentment.

Since then my life has been so much easier. Most of the time people are so consumed with themselves that they don’t realize they are hurting other people. I’ve taken a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror and realized I’m just as guilty, as well. 

I no longer hold on to the resentment. I am easy to forgive. I don’t hold grudges. I let a lot of things roll off my back that would intimidate me in the past. I love people more… a lot more. But the greatest thing is that God’s grace is sufficient and I am truly happy. 

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25).

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